This script was written at-request, from a premise provided by “The Onion.”

 

ONN:DORITOS SWITCH TO FAIR-TRADE FIERY HABANERO

 

ONN STUDIO

ANCHOR: Snack giant Frito-Lay has joined the growing Fair Trade movement, today officially announcing they will switch from mass-produced Fiery Habanero powder for their Doritos to a more traditional, artisan-produced version of the piquant flavoring.   ONN Correspondent Tom Lloyd reports from Chiapas State in southern Mexico.

 

V/O WIDE SHOT OF ROUGH FARM

TOM: Ricardo Salvati’s family has worked this land for generations.   The family made a subsistence living, growing their own food, building what they could and trading their spicy, delicious handmade chip flavoring for what they couldn’t build for over a hundred years.   But then, (picture goes black and white) ten years ago, tragedy struck.

 

RICARDO SALVATI, WEATHERED MEXICAN FARMER, IN SPANISH WITH V/O TRANSLATION

SALVATI: The Frito Lay people built a very large factory in the next town.   (footage of giant threatening factory belching neon-orange smoke) The business of my father, of my grandfather, it was taken away, (increasingly pathetic footage of laborers working lines, moving barrels, pushing mine-carts full of Doritos, etc) and we all went to work in the factory.   The men, the old women, even the children.   If you cannot work your land, and make the habanero Doritos of your ancestors, what is there for you?  (emotional) For the Salvatis there was nothing.

 

EXT. SHUTTERED FACTORY

TOM: But a new day has come to Chiapas.   The people of Ricardo’s village are proud and productive once again, as the Frito-Lay company has bowed to public pressure and committed to using only Fair Trade Fiery Habanero.  Fair trade products are a way for Americans sitting home watching “The Biggest Loser” to feel like they have done something for Third-World dirt farmers.   Have they?   Judge for yourself:

 

EXT: SALVATI FARM, BUSY AND HAPPY.  ADULTS AND CHILDREN COVERED WITH ORANGE POWDER

TOM: This is the Salvati Fiery Habanero farm today.  The Fiery habanero bushes are producing more than ever.  And this time, the Salvatis are getting a fair price for a superior product.

RICARDO: (Spanish with V/O transaltion) My farm is happy again.

ONN STUDIO

ANCHOR: We caught up with Milton Hirschbeck of Frito-Lay in his office.

 

INT. REALLY NICE OFFICE.   DARK WOOD, GREAT VIEW

HIRSCHBECK: As American attitudes about food evolve, we have to evolve along with them.   “Guilt-free” used to mean “no fat” or “no sugar”.   Now it means, “no exploitation”.   And we agree wholeheartedly.   Frito-Lay is a friend to the farmers of Belize.

REPORTER, OFF-CAMERA: Mexico.

HIRSCHBECK: Mexico.   Frito-Lay has come to understand that the American snacker wants more from a chip than just satisfying crunch and great flavor.   Now the American snacker wants a sense of moral righteousness.  We’re proud to display the Fair Trade label on each and every bag of Fiery Habanero Flavor Doritos, and we are proud to call friends the noble farmers of Belize.

REPORTER, OFF-CAMERA: Mexico.

HIRSCHBECK: Whatever.  

 

EXT: SALVATI FARM

TOM: So what does the new agreement mean?   Well, (appropriate footage.  I am for some reason convinced this stuff is scraped off broad leaves, though I guess it could be a pounded, dried root, or ground tree bark, or whatever is most telegenic.) there’s no more mass production; no more throwing all the Fiery Habanero bushes into the grinder whole to extract the powder mechanically.  Now, every step of the process is 100% organic and 100% sustainable.  The orange powder you wipe off your fingers on the couch during a Cubs game starts here, as a sun-loving shrub.   The women weed the fields, keep the goats away, and make sure the plants are free of cheeto-weevil infestation.

As the plant matures, the delicious flavoring is produced in layers on the plant’s leaves, and hand-scraped into one of these long cotton bags.   Once the bag is full, it’s delivered to the processing barn, where the men spend hours at a time sifting  and mixing the zingy seasoning to get just the right balance of heat and salt. (jolly) I can tell you from personal experience it takes a long time to get your hands back to their normal color!

Then the flavor agent is sun-dried, barrel-aged, and taken up to the new Frito-Lay workshop in town, where it is hand-applied to unflavored Doritos with fine, soft paintbrushes and bagged for shipping to the United States.

 

EXT. VILLAGE FESTIVAL.  EVERYONE IS WEARING ORANGE AND DANCING

TOM: So there you have it.   The story of how switching to Fair Trade Fiery Habanero saved one man’s farm, one village’s livelihood, and one tiny corner of a monstrous global agribusiness conglomerate’s soul.  What you see behind me was a dying village a year ago, and thanks to Fair Trade, they’re not only surviving, they’re thriving. They’ve even brought back the traditional Festival de Habanero Fuego!   So if you don’t mind, (ANCHOR NAME), I’m going to go enjoy myself, and eat some of these tasty-feel-good treats.   (he pulls a few from a bag, eats them, and joins the dancing.)

ONN STUDIO

ANCHOR: (chuckling) All right Tom, have a great time, and bring me back some of those!   Fair Trade Fiery Habanero Doritos are rolling out nationwide this week, and should retail for eighteen to twenty dollars a bag.   When we return….